Rauf isn’t even 2 yet and he’s already been admitted to the hospital 3 times, with the latest being diagnosed with Influenza B. Every time he gets ill I torture myself with all the ‘what did I do wrong’ questions. To avoid myself going crazy with the guilt I tell myself all mothers and children are different. But you cant help but feel like you’re a bad parent when something wrong happens to your kid.

This time, I became sick first. Tried to distance myself from Rauf but he always ends up near me. I’ve been sleeping on the floor and when I wake up, he’s there. Unsurprisingly, he caught the flue too. So the situation at home got even messier. Fever spiking here and there, waking me up every hour for comfort feed and the constant worry of his illness getting worse got to me.

Thing is, I can deal with the mess, but not the stress. I literally get goosebumps every time Rauf gets sick, fearing that he needs to be hospitalized again.

One day, I went into the bathroom and Rauf followed me in. He took out his bathtub and toys and that’s when I remembered that neither of us had showered yet, so I went along with it. So I turned on the water, Rauf was so happy to be in his tub. Few minutes in he started pouring out water onto the bathroom floor. Everything had become wet. My period pain just had to come during that time and it was excruciating, my entire face felt numb due to my blocked nose, I couldn’t see or think properly and my helper was no where in sight. I felt suffocated and exhausted.

‘I just want to sleep, I just want to sleep’ I said to myself

Rauf poured more and more water out and that’s when it happened. I snapped.

‘Stop!’ I screamed at him

I grabbed his pail and threw it across the bathroom. At this point my entire body felt numb. He looked at me in the eye, confused. I felt so shameful. I felt like the worst mother in the world.

I sat on the bath stool and just looked at him. I didn’t wanna say anything because I was ashamed that I snapped in front of him like that. I wanted to cry. Just before the tears streamed down my face, he took the pail again, this time he poured the water on me, but while he did that he said ‘yay mommy’.

He was just as sick as me, probably felt worse, but this kid could still smile despite everything he’s been through.

He poured more water. By that time I was soaked, but I couldn’t help but smile too and cheered ‘yay’ and he began to smile. The most beautiful and genuine smile I have ever received in my life. So we continued to bath and poured more water here and there. The moment I ignored the mess and the unplanned, I felt so much better.

When the floor gets wet, it can always be cleaned
When clothes get dirty, there’s always a spare
But when time flies and our children are no longer babies, we can never turn back time and we definitely cant take back our anger

That was when I realised, not everything will go according to your plan, so the best thing to do most of the time is to go with the flow.

After that messy bath episode, I placed a dry and dressed up Rauf on the bed and said ‘Sayang mommy wants to bath now, you stay here and watch Elmo okay’

‘Kay’ he replied

I kept checking on him and he was nicely tucked into bed, watching Elmo like he promised

When I was done, I climbed on the bed with him, covered both of us with the duvet and he said ‘nak susu’ (milk). Next thing I knew we woke up together 3 hours later from our much needed nap, still hugging each other.

Best nap I’ve ever had

Yes Rauf, you’re not even two yet and endured many hospital visits than one should. But the way I see it, you’re not even two, yet you’ve taught me so, so much. I cant wait to learn more things with you. Mommy loves you so much.