10 years ago there was a Hari Raya celebration in Perth, Western Australia. It was organized by one of the student societies so naturally many Malaysian students and residents turned up for the event. It was kind of a big deal because our then Deputy Prime Minister attended, so everyone was excited and the whole thing was a big deal.

Everyone had a shot at winning the lucky draw prizes, there were plenty. The biggest prize  was a return airfare ticket to Malaysia and as the night progressed, the lucky draw winners were called out one by one and everyone was waiting anxiously to see who won the big prize. At last, a girl won it. Her number was announced, her friends cheered for her, she stood up happily, walked towards the stage with the biggest smile on her face and could already picture herself reuniting with her family back at home.

As she was about to reach the stage to claim her prize, suddenly the emcee announced  ‘looks like she needs 2 seats for the trip back home’.  The girl’s heart stopped and asked herself if that was really happening. Was she being fat shamed in front of hundreds of people by the host? Yes she was.

That girl was me.

Back then, I was probably between UK size 14-16. I was a bit overweight, but not morbidly obsessed. I was not unwell, I was still healthy and fit even though my bottom was bigger than most people, I still looked fine. Yet I was left humiliated because the emcee thought he had the right to point out  my ‘flaw’ and let everyone know about it. He thought he was being funny. What he said took less than 5 seconds, but what he said will traumatize me for life.

I have never been skinny and I will never be. Even when I lose weight or considered ‘thin’, my body will never fall into the ‘normal’ sized category which most Malaysian ladies are apart of. Never. And it’s something I have grown to accept. But lately I realize that my body is something that people feel that they’re entitled to have a say about and sometimes make fun off. I’ve had enough of it. Enough.

I am only human, I have feelings. I am sensitive and I am still fully breastfeeding my son.

After giving birth, I realized how much my body changed but I was proud of it because of what it went through. I still felt strong and beautiful. My body helped me have my son. I was worried because of the weight I had gained and worried about how would be the best way to lose it. I was told that the weight would come off easy with breastfeeding. 6 months went by, I still hadn’t lose anything. In fact, I had gained more weight because I would get so hungry after feeding or pumping. Every time I was done feeding Rauf and pumping, my stomach would GROWL. And those who sat next to me could hear it.

It turned out I wasn’t one of the lucky ones whose weight would just drop off like magic. I was the opposite.

Then I started to diet. No carbs. Just protein and salad. What happened? My milk production decreased. I didn’t have enough milk to store for Rauf and I didn’t have enough supply in my body to feed him 3 times (sometimes 4 times) at night. 2am, 4am and 6am. If I starve, my baby will starve.

But the problem isn’t me. It’s people’s mouths.

Once, I made a cheesecake for my aunt’s birthday and had a slice after everyone left. Someone saw me eating and said ‘are you planning to finish the whole thing?’

Once, someone asked me which trait did Rauf got from me and before I could answer he said ‘the part that you like to eat a lot?’

‘When are you planning to fit  your old clothes back?’

‘Kalau kurus lagi cantik’

‘Gemuknya sekarang, apa jadi?’

‘I can see that you’re getting bigger’

“your nickname should start with the word ‘fat’”

‘Muat ke’ a joke someone made while taking my picture, indicating I can’t fit the camera frame.

Seriously, people? You think I am made from stone is it?

I know how I look like. I have to stare at it every time I look in the mirror and pictures. I know how my body is like because I’m in it. I know how big I am because I dress myself every day. The way people talk and judge me it’s as if they think I’m not aware about my body.

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. I was the chubbiest girl in ballet class, I had the biggest waist amongst my friends in school. I’ve always been big and I’m used to the nasty things people would say about it but I’m at that point where I don’t think I can tolerate it anymore.

We need to be kinder to one another. If you’ve got nothing nice to say about anybody, nothing that they can fix within 5 minutes, just keep your thoughts to yourself. Don’t stare, don’t look up and down and don’t be a busybody. Everyone is flawed, the only difference is if its’ visible to others.

I just want to let others know, those who probably share my problem or insecurities, or if you’re struggling with something you don’t know how to fix, you are definitely not alone. It’s best to be honest about how you feel and there’s no point being polite and quite when people are picking on you. They’re bullies. Sometimes you need to speak up. However you look or feel right now is just temporary, it’s a representation on what you’re going through with this stage of your life. It’s okay.

For me, this is the body that I have now and I have come into terms with that. I celebrate it. If anyone doesn’t like it, that’s their problem. It may or may not be this way forever, perhaps it will change, perhaps it won’t. this body is the reason why I am still strong. This body is the reason why my son is healthy, the reason why I can still wake up 4 times a night for feedings. This body is the reason why I can still go to work and make a living. This body is the reason why I still have the energy to run a second income business.

This body is me