‘Something’s not right’ I said to Joe. I put my hands on Rauf’s ribs and put my ears on his chest. His breathing is weird. Before we knew it we were in the ER again and Rauf had to be admitted.

I was relieved.

Don’t get me wrong, obviously I was NOT thrilled that my son was sick, I felt relieved because at least he’d be getting round the clock observation in the hospital.

Rauf was weak. He wasn’t being himself, I know this because he slept a lot and trust me when he’s well he is practically allergic to sleep. What made it a bit sad was that Joe had to leave almost immediately for a business trip. I don’t think I can ever forget the look on his face when he said goodbye to us. It was 6 am and coincidentally Rauf had to be nebulized at that time. Joe teared up. ‘Come on sayang, be strong. We’ll be okay’ I said. But deep down I was hysterical. ‘How the hell am I going to do this’, I thought.

I don’t think I have the right to complain here, Rauf was the one who had to endure so much procedures and pain. But being his mom and had to witness everything was unpleasant. I swear he cried almost half the time we were there. Every time we had to do something on him I knew he was going to wail. I was tired. I felt like I could break down at any moment until I kept looking at Rauf’s face. ‘Nope, I am not crying about this today’.

There was no where I would rather be than being with him, but my mind often lingered on the repercussions of not being at work. I am already struggling as it is, the constant worry about how this was going to affect me was annoying. Every time I caught myself drifting away and thinking about work I had to snap myself back to reality and remind myself what is the most important thing to me. My son.

At the end of the day, I was grateful that whatever Rauf was diagnosed with, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. We had access to the best medical facilities and crew we could afford. So syukur Alhamdulillah for that. My mom did not leave my side the entire time and I honestly don’t think I could have done it with without her.

If there is one thing I learned about children that I found was comforting and beautiful is that they are forgiving. Rauf would still find for me and hug me every time he’s done with something painful, even when he knew I did most of the things to him. Sometimes I felt like he was comforting me rather than the other way around. The hugs he gives me assured me that as long as he’s breathing okay, that he’s healthy, is all that matters.

I love you so much Rauf, may we have less visits to the hospital but if we have too, may we be strong together.